Meet The “Red Light Guy”

The problem at the root of a sex or porn addiction is the feeling that you must act out. You feel powerless against your compulsions, so you assume that even if you wanted to stop, you couldn’t. You feel powerless compared to your addict self. You are not powerless. You always have a choice. I teach my clients to use …

First Thought Wrong

In the process of your recovery from porn addiction, you might begin to notice a strange phenomenon. You want to do better, you want to recover and get well, but someone keeps telling you that you can’t do it. It’s not a friend, or brother, or your partner, or your boss — it’s you. Your mind can be a worthy …

The Power of Experiencing Stillness

One of the things I ask my clients to do as a step towards recovery, is to spend some time being still within themselves, to discover the truth which resides at the heart of them. This is an incredibly important thing to do, because it allows men to realize that they are more than just their story, they are more …

Your Essential Self

If you are still watching porn, and can’t stop, this is the moment where you ask yourself, “Am I ready to stop?” To discover the answer to that, you have to look past your addict. You have to look inside yourself to find what’s “always true.” There’s a part of you that lies beyond your mind, your story, and even …

Neutralizing Your Triggers

Some triggers can be extremely subtle: a taste, a texture, a fragrance, or even a certain sound. When you find yourself in the grip of one of these vague triggers, it can be incredibly frustrating. You feel the compulsion to act out sexually, yet you have no idea why. Learning to suss out these hidden and less obvious triggers is …

My Trigger — Blue Sky and the High Heels

Addiction is all about living in response to your own, unique history. By getting a handle on that history, you can come to a better understanding of what your “triggers” are. Sometimes, these triggers are obvious. For instance, if you are out in public, and you see a woman who fits your “type,” you might feel triggered, and later seek …

Prepare to Make a Different Choice

The confrontations you have with your addict will not always be easy, especially when you are in the grip of a powerful trigger. Your addict will try at every turn to counter your arguments, to lie and to trick you back into your compulsive behavior. Going into these situations unarmed will make them more difficult than they need to be. …

3 Steps to Take to Outsmart Your Triggers

One of the most powerful tools you can use on your road to recovery from porn addiction is the ability to recognize your triggers. Simply being able to identify the thing or situation that’s setting you off puts you back in control. Triggers can come up out of nowhere. They are often part of your everyday life. You might find …

What if I Can’t Find My Own Story?

Recovery is a process, not a singular event. In these blog posts we’ve been writing about how your mind, and your inner addict might do everything it can to keep you in your current state of acting out compulsively, and refusing to change. That’s because change is scary. It’s venturing into the unknown. Even if your current situation is miserable, …

Rewriting Your Personal Story

We’ve written about the importance of really sitting down and taking the time to have an actual dialog with your addict. We really want to make sure you’re dialoging with your addict, because it’s such a powerful and important step in getting you into the right mindset. The mind is an incredibly powerful thing, and if you let it tell …

What Is Euphoric Recall?

Your mind can be a powerful and sometimes destructive force. It can lie, it can rationalize bad behavior, and often for those of us living with addictions, it can continually chase a past experience it considers to be “perfect.” We call this phenomenon “euphoric recall.” A lot of men in recovery are familiar with the concept, even if they haven’t …

Shame and What It Can Teach You

Many addicts, no matter their struggles, are already very familiar with feelings of shame. Shame often goes hand in hand with addiction, and the steps taken to hide it. Shame is a negative feeling and it can often keep us in the same behavioral cycle. You feel stressed, you act out sexually, you feel shame, shame makes you feel stressed, …

What If My Addict Is Tougher Than I Thought?

In a previous blog, we wrote about the importance of finding your own story, and getting to the roots of your behavior, to address it once and for all. You will be facing down your addict self, and making him spill his story to you, just as though you were interrogating a criminal. The question many people have after they …

Lies: The Power of Stories

Let face it, the addict self lies to you. In an earlier blog, we shared George’s story about the blonde in the BMW. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out. Blonde in Beemer post, George was following a Beemer and had constructed an elaborate fantasy around it. The truth didn’t matter, the fact that he was driving didn’t …

How To Have A Dialogue With Your Addict Self

What might it feel like when you actually begin having a real dialogue with your addict self? One of our favorite examples is from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey.  In that movie, a computer named HAL, begins trying to take over control of the ship. Dave, the astronaut aboard the ship has tried everything he can to stop HAL, …

Become Your Own Investigator

You may not realize it yet, but you have an internal story you have been telling yourself. There is a script running in your head that is constantly trying to justify or excuse your compulsive behavior. When people in the media try to change the angle of a story, or cover up the real implications of what’s going on, they …

What Brought You Here?

Before any recovery can begin, you must first ask yourself this hard question: “What brought me here?” Like many other men, you are seeking out help and support right now because you understand that you need it. However you got to this point, you’ve had a realization that made you want to make a change in your life. You want …

Talking To Yourself Is Totally Sane

Naming your addict is important in helping you firmly establish that your addict self and your adult self are two different people.  For more info on that check out our previous blog: Name Your Addict. Beginning to differentiate your true self from your addict voice leads directly into the second step towards your recovery. You have to begin a conversation …

Naming Your Addict

One of the most important realizations you can come to on your journey towards recovery is that your addict is not you. That might be a hard concept for some to grasp, but when you break it down logically, it makes sense. It’s not that you want to constantly look at porn to the detriment of everything else – it’s …